i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
