Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
