Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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