Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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