i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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