I just pynch a tree in the face
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
