I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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