6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
