I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
