you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
