I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
