somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
