his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
why do cheetos always look like penises
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Randomize
