so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
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