so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished�
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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