3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
