I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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