Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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