Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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