I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
