well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Randomize
