So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
