I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Randomize
