dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
