New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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