i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
