I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
