she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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