3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
we're making bets on your personal life
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
