I'm jealous of your bromance
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
We had sex on a dog bed..
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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