You can't special order awesome
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
My cat gives me a boner
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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