i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.�
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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