just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
