I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
