I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
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