he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I think I just sharted jello shots
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