worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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