i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
