I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
