we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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