Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
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