I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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