i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
All I want is dick and wine.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
