Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Randomize
