seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
