i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
