ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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