are you so shy because you have an std?
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Randomize
