you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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