You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
